Create. Clicking that button on my blogger account provides me with both pleasure and nervousness. Will I have any words spill forth onto the page? Will my usually fertile mind be a blank slate?

One of my largest fears is having nothing to say... feeling nothing. My writing doesn't spring from a shallow place; it has nothing to do with comments and popularity and meeting people. I write because I have to. I need to have something, anything to say. If I don't, I'm worried I'll fall back in line with the endless masses of people slowly suffocating to death in their mundane and boring 2.5 children white picket fences lives.

Today I was pondering routines and motivation. I always mean to do these great things with my life - I want to lose some weight, get my home more organized, cook at home more than I eat out any given week - and I do them. For awhile. After a week or so, without outside motivation, I crack and turn back to whatever I was doing before.

That was one positive thing about living in an active BDSM relationship. I felt driven to please and I wanted to change whatever needed to be changed to make him happy. It's unfortunate that we've slipped out of those patterns although, to be fair, I'm not anywhere near as submissive as I used to be.

I'll come back around again, I'm sure.