Sunday, April 27, 2008


My daughter, increasingly the social butterfly, had a birthday party this afternoon. Being the control freak that I am, I brought a book (Jeanette Winterson) and camped out in a hard plastic bowling alley chair for the two hours it was scheduled to last.

Between chapters, I people watched. I watched odd interactions between lovers, one needing attention while the other checked out all the women around him. I watched children playing and pretending not to hear the adults yelling at them. I sat and blended in, preferring not to interact with the other mothers (never been my thing as I'm never ANYTHING like any of them), enjoyed my book and wished the minutes would tick away faster.

They didn't, of course, but my daughter had a great time and that's really what matters to me. My workweek starts again tomorrow, but for some reason I'm energized for it to come. I'm not grumpy this evening, which is a shock. Sundays usually find me in a foul mood for a variety of reasons.

But instead I'm planning on going to bed early, rising early for yoga and enjoying a week without dread. How much worse could it get than performing emergency surgery on an elderly Great Pyrenees at 3 am? I don't want to find out but, as a little advice, don't disturb me before 2 pm if that happens again.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

How are we supposed to defend our country when we can't even defend our soldiers' freedom of religion and speech?!

JUNCTION CITY, Kansas (AP) -- Like hundreds of young men joining the Army in recent years, Jeremy Hall professes a desire to serve his country while it fights terrorism.

art.atheist.ap.jpg

Soldier Jeremy Hall says the pressure to believe in God is so strong "I was ashamed to say that I was an atheist."

But the short and soft-spoken specialist is at the center of a legal controversy. He has filed a lawsuit alleging he's been harassed and his constitutional rights have been violated because he doesn't believe in God. The suit names Defense Secretary Robert Gates.

"I'm not in it for cash," Hall said. "I want no one else to go what I went through."

Known as "the atheist guy," Hall has been called immoral, a devil worshipper and -- just as severe to some soldiers -- gay, none of which, he says, is true. Hall even drove fellow soldiers to church in Iraq and paused while they prayed before meals.

"I see a name and rank and United States flag on their shoulder. That's what I believe everyone else should see," he said.

Hall, 23, was raised in a Protestant family in North Carolina and dropped out of school. It wasn't until he joined the Army that he began questioning religion, eventually deciding he couldn't follow any faith.

But he feared how that would look to other soldiers.

"I was ashamed to say that I was an atheist," Hall said.

It eventually came out in Iraq in 2007, when he was in a firefight. Hall was a gunner on a Humvee, which took several bullets in its protective shield. Afterward, his commander asked whether he believed in God, Hall said.

"I said, 'No, but I believe in Plexiglas,"' Hall said. "I've never believed I was going to a happy place. You get one life. When I die, I'm worm food."

The issue came to a head when, according to Hall, a superior officer, Maj. Freddy J. Welborn, threatened to bring charges against him for trying to hold a meeting of atheists in Iraq. Welborn has denied Hall's allegations.

Hall said he had had enough but feared he wouldn't get support from Welborn's superiors. He turned to Mikey Weinstein and the Military Religious Freedom Foundation.

Weinstein is the foundation's president and a U.S. Air Force Academy graduate. He had previously sued the Air Force for acts he said illegally imposed Christianity on students at the academy, though that case was dismissed. He calls Hall a hero.

"The average American doesn't have enough intestinal fortitude to tell someone to shut up if they are talking in a movie theater," Weinstein said. "You know how hard it is to take on your chain of command? This isn't the shift manager at KFC."

Hall was in Qatar when the lawsuit was filed on September 18 in federal court in Kansas City, Kansas. Other soldiers learned of it and he feared for his own safety. Once, Hall said, a group of soldiers followed him, harassing him, but no one did anything to make it stop.

The Army told him it couldn't protect him and sent him back to Fort Riley. He resumed duties with a military police battalion. He believes his promotion to sergeant has been blocked because of his lawsuit, but he is a team leader responsible for two junior enlisted soldiers.

No one with Fort Riley, the Army or Defense Department would comment about Hall or the lawsuit. Each issued statements saying that discrimination will not be tolerated regardless of race, religion or gender.

"The department respects [and supports by its policy] the rights of others to their own religious beliefs, including the right to hold no beliefs," said Eileen Lainez, a spokeswoman for the Department of Defense.

All three organizations said existing systems help soldiers "address and resolve any perceived unfair treatment."

Lt. Col. David Shurtleff, a Fort Riley chaplain, declined to discuss Hall's case but said chaplains accommodate all faiths as best they can. In most cases, religious issues can be worked out without jeopardizing military operations.

"When you're in Afghanistan and an IED blows up a Humvee, they aren't asking about a wounded soldier's faith," Shurtleff said.

Hall said he enjoys being a team leader but has been told that having faith would make him a better leader.

"I will take care of my soldiers. Nowhere does it say I have to pray with my soldiers, but I do have to make sure my soldiers' religious needs are met," he said.

"Religion brings comfort to a lot of people," he said. "Personally, I don't want it or need it. But I'm not going to get down on anybody else for it."

Hall leaves the Army in April 2009. He would like to find work with the National Park Service or Environmental Protection Agency, anything outdoors.

"I hope this doesn't define me," Hall said of his lawsuit. "It's just about time somebody said something."

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


I'm restless and agitated today; almost separate from the remainder of the world. I'm questioning nearly every person around me - their loyalty, their true personality, their reasoning for involving or not involving themselves in my life.

I don't know. I feel like I've given 100% of myself to people, once my trust is earned, only to be repaid with inconsistency. It's just a little frustrating...

More tomorrow. Storms are coming, according to the weatherman. I hope they wash away all these feelings of disingenuousness.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


It has been an amazing few days, the upswing in the weather has taken my spirits with it. I've gotten slide burn from the twisty slide, felt my toes kiss the warm, green grass, laid on my back in the park and watched the fluffy clouds float in the azul sky.

The skin you see above, milky white and untouched by the sun, will soon turn a toasty brown (but, fans of my translucent dermis, worry not. I never get much darker than an albino hispanic *laugh*). My mood, and therefore my writing, will be more cheery and optimistic.

It's spring and I'm really embracing the season. Flowers will be worn in my hair, shoes will be cast aside...

I just wish you could come swing with me.

Monday, April 21, 2008

I was barely awake as I stumbled out of the car and into the gym this morning, coasting on fumes and dreading the hour and a half I planned to spend there. I briefly noticed the temperate weather but put it aside while I pushed open the gym doors.

Yoga was, as always, both relaxing and challenging. I find the immediate gratification aspect of my practice the most fulfilling; knowing that each week I'll noticed a marked improvement in my strength, flexibility and ability to meditate while pushing the distractions away. The body truly is a temple and yoga makes me truly feeeeel that more than any other exercise program I've tried.

After that I ran for about half an hour - I'm training for a 5K in November. I've always been a cardio machine junkie, but actually working towards an attainable goal pushes me to really break through the walls and move forward. Running outside is a totally different ball game, but a challenge that I'm ready and able to accept.

The pay-off, however, was walking outside after I was finished. Sweat beaded and glimmered on my forehead and neck, my hair soaked with the physical ramifications of my effort, and I truly felt and experienced how gorgeous it is outside. The light breeze cooled me, blowing slightly colder than the 70 degree temperature, and sent a chill down my spine.

I drove home with the windows all the way open, enjoying the wind on my face and the childlike enthusiasm that caused my arm to extend out the window, fingers coasting against the jetstream like a bird on the breeze.

Today, simply put, is beautiful.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

There is something slightly unsettling about hanging out with old flames, similar to having a ghost walk boldly into the room and sit in between the two of you.

It whispers to you, reminds you of words exchanged and past physical affections, all the while you look through its spectral body and attempt to concentrate on mundane conversation. You fight the urge to pull that person close to you and place your lips on their earlobe, breathing clandestine ideas and words of adoration.

We sat on the couch, the obligatory two feet of space between us, and watched a movie while the kids ran like elephants up and down the stairs. We laughed at the right times, cryed at the right times and ignored the fact that the evening felt like two children playing dress up and attempting to act like adults. What we really wanted to do was jump up and down on the couch, hold hands and forget we had roles to play.

But it's never really that simple, is it? The connection I feel with her is fleeting, fading and reminding me that I never was that into her. There were no fireworks, no declarations of love. The sex, while technically great, wasn't mind-blowing in the way that emotionally deep relationships produce.

So we're friends. Our children are friends. We watch movies, go to bars and have dinner.

But don't make me pretend that her hair doesn't smell like heaven.

Friday, April 18, 2008


I can smell the storm on the horizon, although it seems increasingly unlikely that it will grace us with its presence. I've been waiting for that one great storm for years now - the weather in Illinois has tended towards blizzard conditions instead of raging thunderstorms - but the systems always flirt by us like the high school prom queen.

We did, however, get seismic activity which I'm sure would have been amazing had I awakened from my semi-comatose (and deliciously dreamlike) sleep. It was a 5.2 on the Richter scale, which sounded impressive to me until Bear - in his usually deadpan demeanor - reminded me that he didn't even get out of bed for any quakes under 6.0 in California.

I did elicit some bed-shaking of my own yesterday evening, though. Due to Bear's back and our increasingly platonic romantic relationship (not that I entirely mind, however, although that fact mildly disturbs me), we haven't had sex in months.

I was unsure he was asleep but his back has been spasming more than usual lately and I wasn't in the mood to get told no, so I took care of business myself (so to speak). I think that the orgasms I have when I don't move a muscle, where my pleasure dances along every nerve in my body as I attempt not to squirm or gasp out, rank very high on my Richter scale.

And no, I won't tell you who or what I was thinking about. That may ruin your entire vision of me. *grin*

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Sitting down to write, I've forgotten how much pressure it is to create for a public website. Here, as opposed to the more private writing I've been doing lately, I feel the need to live in a certain niche.

I'm not me, not the whole me, but instead reduced to little pieces of me that I feel comfortable enough to expose here and there.

And, try as I might, I can't seem to break through the self doubting wall that I've created in my time away.

My goal is to write more, about anything, and hopefully chip away at the brick-and-mortar bit by bit until the full picture appears in from of my face. I know it will be just as beautiful as I've always imagined.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I'm at work (and working hard, as you can tell!) watching Juno for the second time. And, I have to tell you, I'm kind of consumed with lust for Jason Bateman.

All I can think about is him throwing me up against a wall and fucking my brains out. Good lord - especially his character in Juno.

Yummo.

That's all for now!

Generically, we call today "Donor Day" at my emergency clinic. I, without even the tiniest bit of affection, call it "Black Tuesday."

Today is the day, once monthly, that our practice manager visits Animal Control for the purpose of funding our blood bank. She picks out one canine and one feline, all with their deadlines (and I say that without the slightest bit of irony) up and brings them back to the clinic. We then sedate them, draw out every last drop of their precious blood and euthanize them.

Needless to say, this occasion negatively effects me.

I began on this career path to influence people's decisions regarding the furry gifts in their lives... to make the suffering of animals without a voice as little as possible. I wanted to speak for creatures unable to speak for themselves. It's hard for me to grasp this basic assertion that it's all for the greater good and that these animals, that happened to find themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time, have less worth than my precious ones.

One up-side to all this, however, is that I have developed an empathy and compassion in the the past few years that I didn't have before. I'm more tender and sensitive, more able to express emotions and deal with their aftermath with more dignity.

So please, pet your animals an extra time today. Life is too short to not take it as seriously and frivolously as it deserves.

Monday, April 14, 2008

My brows are constantly knotted in and out of furrows lately as my thoughts attempt to break free of the perpetual coffin they're being increasingly tied to.

That may sound dramatic, but I've never said that I'm into stating things simply.

I've been cheating on you, you see. Writing on other sites again, going around behind your back and giving my most personal and private thoughts to others. It's not fair, but I have this need to jump around to keep my feet from touching the ground. Afraid that others may try to cut off my wings and halo and bring me crashing to the earth.

I need my solitude, to hold that little piece of me that makes me special in my hands like a tiny hummingbird. In doing so, I make absolutely sure that even the most important people in my life don't truly know me. The unfortunate side effect of that is that I don't even truly know myself and it's a shame.

So I'm trying to write here more and less on privatized space. I'm trying... I can't promise I'll succeed but I do miss you all.